In the Project Jet Pack Blog Mail Bag, Dr. Shrum answers the questions of PJP blog readers just like you. If you have a question for Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum, please send an e-mail to dr.shrum@projectjetpack.com.
From: bzzaldrn@*****.com
To: dr.shrum@projectjetpack.com
Subject: re: Test Pilots
Although my wife's cooking could facilitate some modest weight gain, I regret that I would not be able to achieve the overall weight increase necessary for me to qualify for the jetpack test pilot program. I would like to offer, instead, to gain 100 pounds and strap another volunteer in front of me - my neighbor, actually, who has always been kind enough to help me out whenever I've needed assistance. I am certain that with minor jetpack thrust vector adjustment, the necessary compensation can be made for the center of gravity shift.
Thank you once again for your correspondence.
Dear Mr. Aldrin,
I pray that it is the Lord's grace that fuels your persistence and not some other nefarious power, such as those suppressive evildoers from the so-called Great Lake State who could only wish to so easily infiltrate this God-fearing enterprise for their own iniquitous purposes. Tell me Mr. Aldrin, are you now or have you ever been a member of the Michigan Department of Attorney General? Have you taken as your own their peccant aims? Have you forsaken God, Country, and Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum's Project Jet Pack for the fruits of their empty promises?
You claim to have a background in astronautics, but in my nearly two decades as America's foremost expert on jet propulsion, I can say that I have never heard of you. I have studied at some of this nation's premier aeronautical engineering universities such as Trinity Southern University, have taught many hundreds in that same subject, and not once has your name come up in conversations of Jesus-inspired flight solutions. Your moniker in fact reads to these eyes as an alias concocted by the Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox and his sniveling minion, Charles Vilsap, to gain for themselves the secrets that belong only to Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum's Project Jet Pack and myself, Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum.
How else to explain your obscene proposal to strap yourself to another human being. Such proximity to another body can only result in unclean thoughts and unnatural acts, and is expressly proscribed by the Bible. Pursuant to proper Baptist teachings, you may come into torso-to-torso contact only with a woman to whom you are married in the eyes of Jesus, or with a beloved sibling such as my tragically deceased sister Jennifer. Your offer to not only bind yourself to an unrelated neighbor, but to do so at super-sonic speeds, is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.
I shudder to think what kind of "assistance" this neighbor of yours has rendered you in the past. My advice to you is to think less about flying and more about the salvation of your soul through prayer and silent reflection. To that end, I refer you to the forthcoming book from eminent Baptist scholar Herbert F. McGerbert, Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum: Figurative Gorge, Literal Sky - How Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum Found the Lord, Redeemed His Life, and Saved the Soul of America.
Peace, Love & the Good Lord's Grace to You,
Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum
From: bzzaldrn@*****.comTo: dr.shrum@projectjetpack.com
Subject: re: Test Pilots
Dr. Shrum,
I can assure you that my aims and the means to achieve those ends are
pure and based solely in the virtuous and patriotic pursuit of the
advancement of science. I have taken the precaution of designing into
my proposed dual-passenger system a 50mm thick cushion between myself
and my volunteer so as to avoid any unintentional stimulation.
And your lack of awareness about my past exploits is disturbing to
me. If it weren't for my professional courtesy toward fellow
aerophysicists, I'd be tempted to punch you in the face. Say-y-y-y...
I'm beginning to wonder whether you are really who you claim to be.
I'm thinking that you are either a religious zealot masquerading as a
scientist...
...or a scientist masquerading as a religious zealot.
Regards,
I believe my credentials speak for themselves, while your unvarnished threats of violence belie an unambiguous bias in favor of certain nefarious so-called "legal" authorities. In fact, rigorous scientific testing by my team has conclusively disproved your claim to be some sort of scientific expert. In a controlled setting, the Project Jet Pack team tested various cushion thicknesses between two human bodies, and full penile stimulation was achieved in cushions as thick as 1050mm, more than 20 times as thick as the cushion you proposed to use with your "volunteer." The risk of such stimulation occurring in flight, as you proposed, are staggering, and one can hardly imagine the consequences of such impurity combining with the supersonic speeds enabled by PJP technologies. An
I can assure you, your savage bluster will not intimate Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum's Project Jet Pack nor its founder, myself, Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum. Due to the sensitive nature of our proprietary technologies, Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum's Project Jet Pack employs the best security services available, headed by our Director of Security, Herbert F. McGerbert, who is also an ordained baptist deacon. This case has already been referred to Mr. McGerbert. In the dark of night, when you least expect it, Mr. McGerbert will pay you a visit, and then we shall see the true measure of your soul.
Peace, Love, Grace, and the Good Lord's Judgment Upon You,
Dr. Jacob Robert Shrum
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